Yesterday was a windy spring afternoon. the trees are still bare, one or two buds trying to open up but still the north winds are strong. the snows melted, the dry soil hungry for moisture. A little drizzle gives the caustic smell, brings in memories and melancholia. it was 2 in the afternoon, i had to go to see "the massage lady". The chronic pain has bent my spinal chord, my hands have lost its strength, my feet now can only take small steps. Numbness in my hands, my feet, my breath, my chest, my mind. the address was 84/109street. I reached on time. it was a cafe, which was going through reconstruction, the junks were lying all around. i could not find the entrance. then i heard a sweet melodious voice calling my name. i looked back and realized i was standing on the wrong side. "The massage lady" came out to greet me. white hair carefully palmed, wrinkled skin with subtle makeup, the two trembling arms reaching out to me to say hello. I could see the long slender fingers and the blue veins running through her wrists. I said "Hello Ms Jenny". It was a small yellow wooden house, the stairs took me up to a little balcony. i kept my shoes out and entered the small room where three cats were waiting to look at the new guest.
i sat down, signed some formal paperworks as she kept making tea and asking me questions. Then she led me into the little parlour, made me lie down. my face facing down where i can only see the old wooden floor and its cracks. Some oriental healing music was playing in the taperecorder. The light was dim, the room had a mystic aroma and the walls shabby but neatly covered with cheap paintings. As her hands touched my neck, rolled down my back,my spinal chord, i thought for a moment, "how old is she, 60, 70, 75". i could not make out. Jenny said, "don't wander your mind/relax, let yourself go, your muscles have stopped contracting, they are stiff like the way you have made your mind." Her trembling hands were strong and sturdy, ready to do the job she has been doing for the last 30 years. She kept on telling in her gentle smooth voice, the names of muscles, the nerves, how they are entangled, how mind connects to our body, how the complex neural network reacts to external stimuli, how pain is caused, how to win over pain, how life goes on. I felt her enormous strength in her wrinkled fingers, in her deep tone and her touch. She lives in this house for thirty years, alone, working on other's pain. "How painful can this be", i almost murmured. 60 minutes went by as she talked and i listen , as she put warm stones to heal my backbone, as her fingers rolled up and down, steady and firm. she touched my deep pain. she taught me to relax, to let go. She taught me how mind can capture body, how mind can almost make one cripple and also how we can win over pain with our mind.
i paid her, took the receipts, patted the cats and walked out. The wind was strong, blowing through my hairs. my locks falling on my eyes, my ckeeks dry with the afternoon air. but my feet tried to take longer and stronger steps. my hands decided to feel strong, my back lifting up. I could feel the chill in my bones. My pain was with me but i felt better, not just that my muscles got a professional touch, not that the warm Indonesian stones did some miracle, but my mind learnt to relax, to hope, to keep going and live happily, solitary with pain and dealing with pain. Thanks jenny.
